How to Build an Identity
This post has taken me a long time to put together, and you’ll get the most out of it if you sit down, read it, and do the exercises. Even if you are an mPUA, you’ll learn a TON about yourself.
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Ahhh, the latest and greatest community buzzword – IDENTITY.
Your identity defines you as a man. Your identity is your core. Your identity helps you determine what you stand for, what you will and will not tolerate, what makes you happy, what careers you should pursue, what clothes you should wear, what you’re passionate about, what your purpose is, etc.
What drives me absolutely nuts about newbies (or guys who have been doing PU for a long time and are not getting any better) is their complete lack of Identity (and sense of self). These guys come in and they worship whatever hot new guru comes along, but they haven’t decided if that particular brand of Pick Up is right for them. They haven’t decided if their core values/what kind of guy they are works with the method they’ve chosen. Some gurus/methods advocate lying/manipulating and newbs eat that shit up. Personally, I don’t believe in that because I think it’s wrong and pathetic. I’ve found this post from Kiss ‘N Tale to be very clarifying for anyone new to the “community.” Personally, I love Stephen Nash (PlayboyLA from ‘the Game’) because he stresses lifestyle. The other situation you see is guys blindly following the advice of someone who doesn’t have much pick up knowledge while guys who have an identity and are grounded are baffled by the advice being given. This happens because the guys with identities know what does and does not violate their core values. As a newb, I think it’s incredibly important to keep your filter, and not follow advice that violates your core values (the only caveat to that is knowing that as a newb, you’ll see/hear lots of things that will seem unbelievable to you. If you understand that women really love sex, you can break down your own limiting beliefs about women/sex and what’s really possible in field.)
A quick tangent on the giving/taking advice piece, I am NOT a pick up guru nor do I want to be someone who is worshiped. I constantly tell guys in field and out that I am not that great (I wouldn’t place myself in the “top 10″ in the BL, and god I hope a list like that never exists) and they don’t believe me. There are areas of my game where I am much more solid than most – fashion, building networks, creating a lifestyle. The reason why I am one of the guys in the BL with one of the highest reputation scores is not because of my skills with “picking up” women, but because of the value I give to others. I am passionate about helping people out, and helping them live happier lives. My reputation is based mainly on building solid relationships, giving great advice in the areas where I am qualified to do so, giving value, and being in field constantly pushing myself. I am writing this post on building an identity because a few people have asked me about the exercises I did to work on my identity, there have been a few questions on the boards about what careers to have, and many other posts whose underlying issue have all been a lack of solid identity.
So how do you create an identity? You need to follow your passions. You need to be doing the things that you have always wanted to or been drawn to your entire life. It’s very likely, that you’ve suppressed your desires because you sought approval from someone (likely your parents, or perhaps your oneitis whom you wanted to impress) or conversely didn’t want disapproval. I fall into the first category – my parents pushed me towards working in corporate America. Thankfully, I love the company I work for, but I question the work I’m doing. I continue to learn so much everyday, and when that stops it’ll be time for me to move on. (I’ll talk more about practicality and careers shortly.) So what if you’re a college student with NO idea what you want to do or someone who’s been stuck in an non-fulfilling career for 20 years or you sit on your ass all day drink beer and play videogames, where do you go from here? Do the following exercise:
Go to a place where you have no distractions and you are alone. Bring a writing utensil and a piece of paper with you. You’re going to be making a list. Set a timer for 20 minutes. You’re going to be writing down 100 things you want to do, places you want to see, careers you want to have, dreams you’ve had as a child, people you want to meet, hobbies you’ve wanted to pursue that seem interesting to you, etc. The idea here is to think big, and DO NOT be realistic. You want to write things down no matter how outlandish they seem. At around the 10 or 15 minute mark, your brain will start to run wild. Do not stop until your timer goes off. When your timer is up, put your list away. Revisit the list a day later.
The idea here is to not to create some crazy to do list you’ll never complete, but it’s to show you what your subconscious mind has craved all along. You’ll find some outlandish things on your list, but you’ll realize that they appeal to you on some level. You’ll find that most of them are doable, and now you have a list of things/experiences you want to have in your life. (I’ll talk more about experiences at the end). I did this exercise, and my results were pretty crazy, and it gave me some ideas about things I want to do in my life that I’ve put away because they were crazy ideas. I actually spent about 45 minutes doing this and I came up with a list around 150 things. I originally found this exercise here. This exercise is so incredibly rewarding.
A few words on careers and practicality – if you are an engineer and you realize you’ve always dreamed of being an actor, it would be in your best interest to pursue acting as much as you can without quitting your job right away. Some people would recommend you go for broke and quit and move to Hollywood. I would tell you to start taking acting classes first, read books on acting, and start acting in community theater. You might find that you actually don’t enjoy acting as much as you thought you would, or you might really LOVE it (but now you’ve actually built some skills) so when you do move to Hollywood you’re making a calculated risk. Either way, you will become much happier and much more attractive to women because you are pursuing your passions and your PURPOSE in life. What you’ll find about most guys are like this is that they identify themselves as an actor with a day job NOT as an engineer who likes to act.
Now there are a few more exercises I want to leave you with, and these are INCREDIBLY important for you to do. All of these come from Sinn, I’m going give you the links because I don’t want to copy and paste his words. In this first link he has two exercises, he talks about congruence and finding your core value first. I found his second exercise to be the most helpful. You should try to come up with your own qualities. Bravery and Honesty are the two most important for me that I find myself violating (ie. when I find a woman sexy/cute/interesting and I don’t approach). This is good for me to constantly remind myself about because this is the main thing I want to change about myself & my game. Okay, now you have your core value, and qualities you want in your life. The last thing you should do is go here and decide who you want to be. You’ll make a list of the characteristics you want to embody.
So now, if you’ve been playing along, you’ll have created a list of things that you want to do in your life, you’ll have your core value, you’ll have the qualities you want in your everyday life, and who you want to eventually embody. You’ll also have these in lists, so you can always go back and refer to them and update them as you grow. Congrats, you’ve created an identity. You’ll know what you’re passionate about, and this will clear the path to decide what your career will be. From here, you can take a look at my lair talk notes and you should be able to decide what kind fashion/clothing fits your identity. You’ll also have a list of experiences you want to have, and when you start doing them you’ll become an interesting person and you’ll be able to craft your own “routines” that fit your life. After you’re done working on yourself, you should decide what kind of woman you’re into (but you should date various kinds to see if you actually like what you thought you would) and go to places where she’ll be. What you’ll find is that you’ll meet her at the places that are congruent with who you are and what you want. Eventually, you’ll build a strong identity, a clear purpose, and rock solid confidence. Once you get here, the world will continually open doors for you, and amazing things will happen in your life.
